are we happy

if eight year old me saw me now

she’d have a lot of questions 

she would grab my short hair 

and say what the heck did you do

she would look me up and down 

and say i thought we were going to be tall 

if eight year old me saw me now

she’d have a lot of questions 

she’d ask if i have a boyfriend 

if i ever became the star runner 

she’d want to know why i was dressed the way i am 

why i had on such chunky boots

why my jeans are cuffed and my shirt is tucked in

if eight year old me saw me now

she’d have a lot of questions 

i don’t think i’d have the time to answer them all 

if i could talk to eight year me 

i’d grab her little hands 

and tell her 

i know i don’t look how you imagined 

i know you thought we would be doing different things by now 

you imagined 16 year old me 

with long hair

wearings heels and dresses 

you imagined me differently

if i could talk to eight year old me 

i’d tell her 

i’m not sorry 

i didn’t turn our how she had imagined 

i’d tell her i tried to fit into the mold we made at eight years old 

but it was far too small for us to fit into 

if i could talk to eight year old me 

i’d tell her it’s okay 

we don’t look like the girls in the movie 

because we are so much happier this way

bagels, swiss cheese, and an existential crisis 

last wednesday i saw him 

and simply seeing him sent so many things in motion

i started to lose myself again 

started to forget who i was before everything had happened 

closed myself off again

then this morning i woke up

my mom offered me a bagel 

i laughed and said 

mom if you really loved me you would know i hate bagels 

i meant it as a joke but she didn’t take it that way

she said she really loves me 

and she also knows i hate swiss cheese

because the holes in it weird me out 

then she said 

and i know you are caring 

and kind

compassionate 

loving 

honest 

and happy 

you are always so happy 

and you care about people 

so much 

then the funny joke about a bagel wasn’t so funny anymore 

i realized this morning

no matter how many times he comes back into my life 

no matter how many times he tries to turn me into him 

my mom will always be there in the morning 

to remind me 

exactly who i am

black and blue

i’ve always been the clumsy type 

the kind to fall while walking up the stairs 

start coughing because i’m choking on air

constantly banging my elbows and knees on chairs 

and corners that seem to jut out of nowhere 

i’ve always been the clumsy type

my legs always covered in bruises 

i seem to fall over everything 

any tiny pebble 

or uneven sidewalk

you can bet i’ve tripped over it

i’ve always been the clumsy type

when it came to love too 

so when i met you there was no exception 

i fell just as hard as i always do

and stood back up covered in black and blue